F.A.Q.

Q. What is the value of a funeral?

A. The funeral is a ceremony of proven worth and value for those who mourn. It provides an opportunity for the survivors, and others who share in the loss, to express their love, respect and grief. It permits facing openly and realistically the crisis that death may present. Through the funeral, the bereaved take that first step towards emotional adjustment to their loss.

- A funeral acknowledges that a life has been lived;
- A funeral allows mourners to remember and honour their loved one;
- A funeral serves as a central gathering place for family and friends to give/receive emotional and physical support;
- A funeral provides closure for the bereaved;
- A funeral initiates the grieving process;
- A funeral confirms the reality and finality of the death;
- A funeral encourages mourners to face the pain of their loss and express their thoughts and feelings;
- A funeral helps survivors to better cope with their grief and enables them to move forward with their lives.

Q.  Are all funerals the same? What choices exist with respect to the service time in the church, minister and the music? Is there any other choice?

A. Funerals should help address the needs of the family within the context of their values and beliefs and may be a celebration of the life and accomplishments of the deceased. Consequently, the funeral should be as unique as the family it supports and the person it honours.

If you opt for a "traditional" religious service, you can personalize the visitation by adding a photo or memorabilia displays. If you do not want a religious service, you can personalize the funeral service in many ways:

- Eulogizing the individual.
- Playing the deceased's favourite music -- whether it's classical, jazz or rock n' roll.
-may include photos and items that speak to good memories or the talents, hobbies or accomplishments of your loved one

Q. Death and Children:
How do you explain the death of a close family member to a young child?

A. Learning to accept death is a natural experience that must not be ignored. Permitting a child to be part of the experience, by attending the funeral and/or talking about the death, helps to relieve their fears and anxiety.

Giving children the choice of involvement in the rituals of the visitation, the funeral service and the cemetery indicates that their role as a member of the family is valued and respected. If they are excluded from this, they may fear that something is being hidden from them, or may make them feel excluded from the mourning process.

The funeral is a ceremony that celebrates a life lived. The ability to comprehend the funeral service will vary according to the maturity of the child. Children should be encouraged to attend. If they decide they don't want to go, they will appreciate being asked. The decision must be theirs.

By attending the visitation and the funeral service, the child's questions may be answered. A drawing, a card or an action of tribute can help the child to be a part of the ceremonies, and can be a healing experience. There is nothing to fear in these rituals. While children may not understand all that is said and done, they will remember that they were included in the family circle.

Children aged two to four have little understanding of the meaning of death. The death should be shared with a child by explaining what has happened in simple terms. Comparing life to the seasons can be helpful. There are many resources for explaining death to children and for helping children cope with grief. When explaining death to children, be honest, do not mislead them. Responses will vary according to the age and understanding of the child.

Here are some guidelines:

- Simply answer their questions in a way that satisfies them. Give a brief explanation and answer in a language level that the child can easily understand;
- Never tell children anything they will have to unlearn later. Do not say "Grandma has gone away" or "Grandma is sleeping;"
- Don't give more information than required;
- Don't be afraid to use words like "dead" and "death;"
- Let children know that it is okay to show their emotions;
- Reassure the child that he or she is loved and will be cared for by others.

Q. Who is traditionally the most appropriate person to give a eulogy? May more than one person speak and should a member of the deceased's family speak?

 A.The eulogy is a brief speech that offers praise and celebrates the life of the person who has died. A family member, the clergy, a close friend or a business associate of the deceased may deliver the eulogy.

If the opportunity is available, individuals can be invited to speak representing the different aspects of the deceased's life such as work, recreation, family life, church, volunteering.

Some religions may require the religious representative or clergy deliver the eulogy during the funeral service. At some funerals, the mourners are encouraged to take part in the funeral service by saying a few words about the deceased. Today, the eulogy can be as formal or informal as the family wishes.

Q. Thank-you notes:

Is it necessary to send thank-you notes to all those who came to the wake, or just to those that gave a monetary donation?

A. The family should acknowledge the flowers and in memoriam donations sent by relatives and friends. When food and personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts should also be acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers.

The funeral home has printed acknowledgment cards that can be used by the family. When the sender is well known to the family, a short personal note can be written on the acknowledgment card expressing appreciation for a contribution or personal service received. In some communities, it is a practice to insert a public thank you in the newspaper. The funeral director can help with this.